You are your own saviour.
Hello, long time no see. I have been away from writing because I didn’t get the courage to say or articulate what I am feeling or going through. But then today, I gathered all the courage to talk about how a trauma survivor feels or the idea that it is okay to be numb after a huge life event or the fact that crying comes out of the blue because you have been in a fight-or-flight mode for a very long time. It’s easy to say, “I am OK.” I did it, I fought, and I won. But do we really mean what we say? This is the question I have been asking myself for the past one month, “Am I okay?” Maybe this is the question that I won’t have an answer to for a long time, considering the trauma I went through. But I know one thing for sure: I am sailing through just fine, adopting everyday life and the 30s the way they should be, I guess.
My 20s have been an emotional roller coaster ride of endless fights, taking a stand, fighting for my life, my safety and whatnot. I have learnt some brutal life lessons from my journey till date, which I have been sharing with you all because I know I am not alone, and I know that if I speak up and share, maybe I might be able to save one life or tell that one person that you got this because if I can, so can you. Many people have asked me how I can be so vulnerable publicly, and my answer has always been someone has to be because being vulnerable isn’t a weak trait. I am not ashamed of calling myself a survivor, an emotional person or a woman who talks upfront about mental health.
Putting yourself out there is hard, but it is so worth it. I dont think anyone who has ever spoken out, stood up, or had a brave moment, has regretted it. Because I haven’t. With time, I have realised that people who have overcome darkness in their lives typically have a fire inside them that is almost impossible to extinguish. I have also learnt with my healing journey that you dont have to be optimistic immediately. You need to sit down with your heavy feelings and understand them. Know where they are coming from. And then, you may start addressing them by writing or talking to your therapist or loved ones. I feel since I have survived clinical depression and trauma, it’s brave to examine your own emotions instead of ignoring them. And as Brené Brown says, “owing your story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
I am still coming in terms of loving myself instead of being too hard on myself, especially on days when I crave emotional support or the fact that you have come a long, long way, Parika. I often fail to accept that I have been through a lot lately, and I need to let the emotions pass by, grieve through my trauma and live life one day at a time because that’s what kind of keeps me going. Tears dont stop; feeling alone doesn’t fade away that easily, but all I know is at the end of the day, it’s you. It is only you who has to make sure that you’re okay. It is you who has to decide to keep going. It’s okay if you are scared, tired or unsure; you need to believe in yourself that you got this because you matter.
I have turned my pain into power, my sadness into strength, and my wounds into wisdom because, for me, that is a survivor’s life. And one thing is definitely sure: it is what it is, and life goes on, my darling, no matter what. Another thing that I learned from my healing journey is to remember who you are; remember the days when you thought you wouldn’t, but you made it through, so you will make it through this time, too. Sometimes, it’s all about one breath at a time. And I will be honest, “pain and healing are never easy, but you and your story are always worth it.”
Currently, I don’t know how I feel. One minute, I am healing; the next, I am questioning my self-worth. One minute, I am happy; the next, I am crying and struggling to hold it all together, but one thing I know that keeps me going is that I trust the process. It is like a bird sitting on a tree, which is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not in the branch but in its wings. And I am that bird.
I won’t deny that trauma breaks you to the core, and it’s hard to see yourself happy. I am struggling with this right now, and I hope one day I overcome this fear of “foreboding joy.” I hope so because I am tired of crying or questioning my existence. I am on a healing journey of loving myself and grieving over the life event I had and letting it take its course of time and see what life unfolds next. Because I believe what Yung Pueblo said, “I didn’t put so much energy into healing to be happy all the time. I know it’s not realistic. I do so because I can face the down moments with more ease and the fact that nothing lasts forever.” And all I know is you dont always have to find a silver lining; you just need to keep going.
As one of my Twitter friends wrote, “Your trauma didn’t make you stronger; you chose to do the work to overcome your trauma and heal. YOU are the reason you are stronger”, and I guess this is true in my case too. Your feelings are worth validating, and your hurt is worth recognising. Be there for yourself and let yourself feel because letting yourself feel is how you heal. Currently, I am healing, surviving, and trying to love myself because, in the end, you need you more than they need you; remember this.
Ending this heartfelt blog with beautiful lines written by one of my favourite authors that resonate with me to the core -
In this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You are going to confuse, piss off and terrify lots of people, including yourself. One minute, you’ll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute, you’ll pray that it never ends. You’ll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least, that’s how I feel most of the time…brave, afraid and very, very alive.
- Brené Brown, Rising Strong: The Reckoning The Rumble. The Revolution.
You got this, Sending you lots of love, positivity and hope ❤
