Sailing through!
Hey folks, as the season is changing in many parts of the world, the urge to snuggle and sleep is around the corner. A sip of hot chocolate and some marshmallows would make a perfect evening in this weather, but this weather can be tricky and tough to handle for some. Thankfully I am at a place where there is neither much cold, but my past experiences have moulded me to be aware of November and the coming months as the past hits me the most this time, and I cannot channel it.
As a PTSD survivor, feeling anxious and panicky every day is valid. It’s like constantly filled with deep, intense dread. I always feel like something horrific is about to happen. Never being able to rest, even when you always feel tense and sore, is a nightmare. But with time, I have realised that winters are tricky to handle. Some people might get seasonal depression which is very common, and some might already be struggling with it. Still, I dont know, so all I can hope and say to you is to take one day at a time and try to enjoy the warmth of this weather. After all, you can significantly tame your moods with things you like, like watching Christmas movies, hot chocolate, coffee, etc. I just wanted to share the experience that I love winters, but since I went into depression in 2018 and now have PTSD, my life has taken a massive toll on me and has not been too kind to me, especially this month of November. Being a trauma survivor is challenging because something small can derail your day. You can feel okay, get triggered by something super small and random, and be in those flashbacks and trauma reactions for the rest of the day or multiple days. It’s hard because triggers can come up so unexpectedly.
So November 2018 has been cruel to me and made sure that I suffer and panic each day, knowing my past would trigger and hamper my present; it’s getting tough. My therapists are making sure I dont fall into that trap, and I am making sure I dont give up that easily though last week I almost lost it when I had a PTSD trigger and panic attack together post returning from the office. It triggered me so badly that I was unable to breathe or speak. I kept crying and cursing myself for what had happened to me in the past. It was some nightmare that day, and it took me 24 hrs to get back in form. Some days are tough, some fine, but mostly, this whole month has been brutal to me, and I am very calmly waiting for it to get over as I hate seeing myself in the loop of giving up one day and not giving up the other and trying not to lose, trying to sail through this storm.
I realised one thing that part of coming home to myself was becoming okay with dead ends. And realising that not every ending can be as clean and peaceful as I’d like it to be. You acknowledge that I dont need closure. The end itself and the way it happened is the closure. So, it’s okay, as there comes the point where you feel lost, and that’s okay. The path can be complicated. At the time, it may be hidden, an unexpected detour. But I have realised lately that it’s okay to be scared. What matters is you know whichever way you go will be okay. I seldom think about how proud my future self will be when she sees me continuing the journey despite the pain, fear and confusion. Sometimes all you need is a perspective. To zoom out a little and see all the progress you’ve made and will continue to make. Never underestimate yourself because you got this. Believe in yourself. And dont forget you’re a powerful fucking human being. It’s in your blood to preserve no matter what you are going through; always remember the strength you have within.
Ending this blog with a quote -
“Bad things happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilised by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have — life itself.” — Walter Anderson.
Sending you lots of love, positivity and hope ❤
