Que Será, Será

Hey folks, I hope you all are sailing through just fine on a boat called life. It’s been precisely one month, seventeen days since I last wrote my blog. Little did I know that my life would take an unexpected turn — a turn that was a life-changing event and a decision that had too many consequences to deal with. My last blog and this one are contradictory to where happiness comes in. I have recently been shattered to the core, numb and heartbroken. This blog will talk about how and what I have been through lately. I have a new fight to fight now as a woman, mental health survivor, and an individual who took a stand for herself.

I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) a week back. This diagnosis has come to light due to a recent event in my life, one major life-altering decision which didn’t go well. After my fight against depression, I was looking for happiness and love, and I found one, but little did I know that it would be some trauma I had to deal with. Life has taken another toll on me, and I am preparing to deal with it. I will be honest, I thought of committing suicide very recently because I was done with life and its never-ending fights. I questioned myself as a human being, daughter, friend, sister and all the relations a woman has to alter and, of course, questioned my existence. All this is because I stay in a society where the institution of marriage is more important to abide by than your integrity. Well, I chose the latter, myself, my integrity.

It’s not easy to take a stand that too this soon. Still, here my question is if I have waited for that “one day things will be fine”, I am sure I would have been a walking dead person living for the sake of others and strictly abiding by the rules of the Indian society of a dutiful married woman. I am not against marriage. My heart has been broken, my trust has been betrayed big time, and there is this vast hollowness inside me which cries her heart out on the fact that what just happened? I guess that was some ruthless life lesson; God was planning for me to deal with. Well, I learnt something about myself, which is essential. I left a situation that didn’t allow me to be my whole authentic self. I stood up for myself. My dear friend told me that “some choices are still difficult, and we may question ourselves, but that’s okay. We are all humans, after all.” And that is something we all should remember.

Dr Janina Scarlet has rightly said in one of her books,” Allowing yourself to have the entire spectrum of emotions is a response to what life might bring so that you can better navigate the way you go about things and move closer to what you care about and be able to stand up for what you believe in.” I am currently not avoiding instead dealing with my trauma, one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time, because if I avoid it, it’s more suffering and pain. Healing starts when you accept what has happened to you; acknowledging that something has been taken from you is essential. My inner child needs to be healed big time now. There are days when I cry like crazy. There are days I just shut myself up, and then there are days when I dont want to live anymore. PTSD has its triggers, and I am still getting used to them. I know I won’t give up because the stand I took was for myself not to die but to live life. There is no timestamp on trauma. There isn’t a formula that you can insert yourself into to get from horror to healing. I wish there were, but patience and time are the keys here. I am surviving this storm slowly and gradually with the support of my family, therapist and friends. I dont think I would have written this blog with so much pain inside, but I did; despite the shivering and crying, I am writing this blog. So folks, however, hard life can be, dont give up because you matter. Sharing some lines from one of my favourite authors keeps me going; I hope it helps you too- “Sometimes our experiences, be they trauma, anxiety or heartbreak, might make us feel like we are on fire. But like a Phoenix, we can rise from the ashes, stronger than before. That Phoenix is you.”

I am on the road to fighting PTSD now and surviving this storm to be alive to tell the world what it means to stand for yourself and never underestimate yourself. There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t. I’m still learning how to be easier on myself and remember more often that I am only human. I am trying to live and not give up. Days will undoubtedly be challenging, and trauma will play its part, but it’s up to me now to face it and move on or just let the trauma eat me. I chose the former one, and I will survive yet again. As Lori Goodwin says, even in times of trauma, we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That, my friends, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again; we are survivors. If you are here today, you are a survivor. But those of us who have made it thru hell and are still standing? We bare a different name: warriors.” I am learning that you either want to heal your trauma or find excuses for why you are too busy for it. It’s always your choice. Remember that.

My brother introduced me to this song way back, but now I can relate to its deeper meaning; there is deep wisdom in sometimes just letting things work out on their own and trusting that whatever will happen will happen for a reason. It’s sometimes hard to let go and keep that trust, and at the same time, you have to find a balance of still being in control of your life and not just drifting and hoping you will get an outcome you like. Today, I would like you to let go of some things you have been stressing over for a while and mentally trust the best will happen. You can still work hard and make an effort, but the stress of “this has to work” probably pulls you down more than you think, and it’s time to let it go. It’s time to trust, que sera, sera.

Ending this blog with song lyrics -

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future’s not ours to see

Que sera, sera

What will be, will be

Que sera, sera

Sending you lots of love, hope, positivity and hugs your way. See you next time.