No Mud, No Lotus!
Hey folks, I hope heading to the eighth month of the year has been just fine mentally, physically and emotionally. I am here today to talk about how my weekends tend to be a dark hole for PTSD. My weeks are sailing by just fine with getting used to the normal life of family, work, health and everyday battles I have to fight through. But weekends tend to make me numb and confused because it kinda makes me lonely and PTSD gets the idea to trigger me about my past. I feel helpless and sometimes clueless as to how to fight about it but I guess I am learning this as well. I am just trying to re-live, re-connect and most importantly try to survive this PTSD.
A day before yesterday I read a quote saying,” she was powerful not because she wasn't scared, but because she went on so strongly despite the fear.” It kinda hit me hard and made me realise that isn't it how am I living these days? Isn't it what I am feeling? I resonated it with so well that I read it a couple of times just to see that am I reading it correctly, lol. Sometimes in life, you tend to forget how strong you are unless a mere quote or a good person makes you feel so. For me, the former as humans making me feel good is a tough task apart from my goody good friends who keep a constant check on me because they dont want me to give up and I guess I won't because I have them, my family, my therapists and above all my four-legged baby girl, Puzo. She is the reason I survive each storm that comes my way and she is the reason I can fight them to be honest because she teaches me every day that life is short, live in the moment and no matter what just breathe and see what tomorrow holds. Isn't it a good analogy to live?
I’ve been in a room, I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful beyond all but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel lonely. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” The loneliest moment in my life is when I watch my whole world falling apart, and all I can do is stare blankly. This feeling specially during weekends kinda kills the shit out of me. Trying not to affect me that much.
I read a very good expression in one of the books, “No mud no lotus”. What it means is that the most beautiful things in the world are ones that blossom in muddy circumstances. Perhaps it is the mud that makes the lotus whole and more beautiful. Every person has the right to pursue happiness. I guess I am the lotus. Each one of us, with every part of us, with every moment of darkness, with every smile, every year is perfect. That doesn't mean we arent flawed, we are, every human is isn't it? It is because of the flaws only that we are perfect. Perfectly human, perfectly worthy of unconditional love, just the way we are. I have kind of started loving myself the way I have been and the way situations made me on a serious note, because if I won't love this version of myself then who else will?
This PTSD quote keeps me going, “Always remember, if you have been diagnosed with PTSD it is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is proof of your strength because you have survived!.” Some days the memories still knock the wind out of me. Its been four months and 3 days since I have been diagnosed with it and sometimes it creeps the shit out of me in terms of chest pain, breathlessness, and nightmares, but all I know is it won't kill me because you know what I am that lotus which will merge out of this shitty mud, I will, I promise, wont let PTSD kill me. I have learned the hard way that healing doesn’t have to look magical or pretty. Real healing is hard, exhausting, and draining. Let yourself go through it. Don’t try to paint it anything other than what it is. Be there for yourself with no judgment. Learning, breaking, healing and moving on because that's all I can do.
Ending this blog with a quote -
Life has taught me I am not always in control. Life is full of experiences, lessons, heartbreak, and pain. But, it has also shown me love, beauty, possibility, and new beginnings. Embrace it all. It makes us who we are, and after every storm comes a clear sky.
Never give up!
Sending you lots of love, hope and strength. See you next time ❤
