From Fear to Stillness: A Journey of Healing

Hello, long time no see. It’s been four months since I wrote my last blog, and since then, my life has been super busy. I’ve just been sailing through, and whenever I thought of writing a blog, I was just scared to write because I dont know how to express being content with the idea of being scared. I keep thinking about telling my audience that it’s okay to be scared and content. I’ve been through a lot, and now that everyday life hits you hard, there are days when I question myself: is it for real? I have my bad days and okay days, but I still fail to accept that it’s normal because, being a survivor for so long, all I can think of is, is this real? I think of all the negative scenarios because somehow, due to my past, there are days when my body is in fight-n-flight mode, and describing this in words is tricky because it’s just hard to convey.

My healing journey has been going fine; there are ups and downs, but I know life is uncertain, so be in the moment and see how it goes. I am done pretending to be okay. Now I listen to myself, my emotions and my body; when they need rest, I rest; when they need zero contact with the world, I go to my cocoon and recharge myself because I need to know what my body wants both physically and mentally and not neglect it like a careless human being. With all the struggles I have had in life to date, I have learnt that your body cares for you what it wants. We need to sit through and understand ourselves better; it’s a hell of a lot of work, to be honest, as we aren’t taught the concept of self-talk and self-love. I have, with time, started learning this concept and accepted my flaws and who I am.

I have learnt from my sufferings that your power is not dependent on the ability to “get over” or transcend your trauma. Your power is rooted in your resilience and ability to lead a self-centred and wildly joyful life while still recognizing and caring for your wounded parts.

As I always say, every human is a work in progress, and we all keep learning and unlearning from what life has to teach us, but what we forget is that we dont need to be too hard on ourselves as there is no limit to how many times you can make and unmake yourself. The idea is to keep going and never give up. I have learnt this the hard way from what Yung Pueblo beautifully conveys: one should not trust how one sees oneself when one’s mind is turbulent and remember that pain is temporary. Treat yourself gently, let go of perfection and feel your emotions without letting them control you. You have enough experience to face the storm and evolve from it.

I still have very low days where I question the idea that can a survivor’s life ever be lived without questioning their content days or the notion that one has survived enough and is so numb that you sail through and see what life holds next. I am still discovering this aspect and getting to know the answers, but then one thing sticks to my head whenever I feel lost or numb to what my therapist once told me: you feel so because now you are safe and out of it. For the first time in your life, you have no major battle to win. You are addicted to chaos. Maybe yes, maybe no; I guess this is what has kept me going, me being resilient and the idea that one of my favourite authors shares in her book that “Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

I believe that life is a matter of perspective, and your strength is a stack of all the weak moments you managed to master till now. I have accepted the brutal truth that the only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore. I am not entirely healed, and I only know some things, but I am heading in the right direction. The important thing is that I’m moving forward. I won’t give up because life doesn’t just happen to me — life happens by me. It all starts with allowing ourselves to be in the driver’s seat and move.

Ending this blog with one of the best quotes that I came across at the right time and right place -

Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing amid chaos, learning not to panic - this is the spiritual path. — Pema Chodron

Sending you lots of courage, hope and strength. See you next time ❤