Broken pieces

Hey folks, I hope you all are doing fine. I was away from writing for a while because I wasn’t sure how to share what I was going through physically, mentally and emotionally. These past two months have been both good and bad. Good because I was busy with life in general bad because PTSD acted up a bit and I kinda lost it.

So it all began in August when one story on a particular date on Instagram triggered the hell out of me. I didn’t realise that that particular trigger would hamper me physically first and then mentally. It all started with heavy chest pain, shivers, and a headache. It lasted for two days, I couldn’t work, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything as my BP dropped and I felt way too weak. That very week I consulted my psychologist, and she was happy with my recovery but little did we know that that trigger that day will take a toll on me. After the session, I kinda felt relaxed but gradually PTSD was creeping in and all the flashbacks, memories, words, and images started to overpower me on daily basis and I had no choice but to consult my psychiatrist yet again. As I remember him saying, “Parika you are recovering fine with such a good pace, I am glad.” But that trigger just swept away all the work I was doing on my recovery. I consulted him and he said, “trigger has impacted you very deeply I am shocked that our recovery is at a standstill but I am sure you will get back as you got this.” That line kept me going.

I gradually again after n number of crying at night, being lonely and helpless, got up each day, defeated the flashbacks one by one and finally now writing yet another blog because I need to tell the world, that it isn’t easy to be heartbroken, traumatized and being a PTSD survivor all at once. I am a human, I do crave hugs, I do crave for a human being to understand me, and love me but all I have lately realised is that this all will come at its own pace. I am glad I am a mother to a pup who can make me happy by just wagging her little tail and giving me endless kisses. With time and recovery, I have realised that I am my happiness, I have to deal with and accept what has happened to me in the past, and let my present breathe without any strings attached to my past because it was an event that ripped me apart and killed the inner child in me very brutally but I needed to awaken that inner child, as it wasn’t her fault, I have to stop being so hard on myself and start just re-living I guess(tears rolling down while writing this)

Yung Pueblo has wisely that, “do not trust the way you see yourself when your mind is turbulent and remember that even pain is temporary. Honour your boundaries, treat yourself gently, let go of perfections, and feel your emotions without letting them control you. You have enough experience to face the storm and evolve from it. “ My god these words are stuck in my head and I am trying to adhere to them but sometimes I lack them because I am only human. Sometimes I desperately crave answers for the trauma I have gone through, I seldom ask why but I wish I could get those answers, but life seems to say give closure to yourself, don’t expect from anyone and just move on. I guess I am on that path now, slowly but trying to fight PTSD and living my life on my terms. This is what one should do because you dont owe anyone anything. So today I am starting over, I am again beginning my healing process by letting everything that’s weighing me down go. I am closing the door to my past, looking forward to what’s coming next, and most importantly believing that everything will turn out right, if not then another life lesson may be. Life doesn’t stop teaching us I guess.

I read this great analogy somewhere and it kinda resonated with my fight so I would like to share it with you all; people talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as though they just got into a cocoon, slap on wings and are good to go. Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies. So if you are a mess wrapped up in the blankets right now, keep going. Damn these words are so freaking relatable with my fight against PTSD and yes maybe I am in a cocoon for the timing but guess what I will get out as a beautiful butterfly one day, so I am on the verge of getting out of it, are you? Just honour your feelings, listen to your intuition and most importantly believe in yourself.

I am about to complete 6 months of PTSD and I am recovering just fine, have my ups and downs but all I know is I won’t give up. Recovering from PTSD is fragile and strong at the same time. It’s a beautiful medley of constantly being broken down and pieced together. I am painting almost done to completion, beautiful but not quite complete. My story is filled with broken pieces, bad decisions and some ugly truths. But it’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul, and grace that saved my life. So I guess, healing on its own terms.

Ending this blog with a quote -

She stopped searching for love, she became it. She became her muse, her own inspiration. She became a source, it was beautiful.

Sending you lots of hugs, positivity and love. See you next time ❤