A new birth?
Hey folks, I hope you are coping just fine physically and mentally. I have been on the verge of breakdown several times this month, there were days when I was not ready to accept everyday life. There were days when I was just asking why did this heartbreak happen to me and why I couldn’t get the well-deserved closure and why did it bring me so much trauma. Well, the thing is life is unpredictable it is like a river flowing through but you never know when the rock hits. I guess this is what life is trying to teach me through PTSD. PTSD is one next level shit I am currently fighting with the idea of accepting life as it is.
I went to a movie recently and during the interval, I started crying out of nowhere because I was not able to see myself as this content or okay. Then my brother said to me something which has stuck in my head since then that this life that you are living right now is your new birth, a new version of yourself, so just breathe and sail through. I guess this is what I am doing, sailing through a new lifeboat this time the direction is to fight PTSD and live for myself. I worked last in 2018 and since then I have been fighting, struggling with my health and back to back life situations life has thrown at me and now when I took a stand for myself, I again have to battle a new fight called PTSD with everyday life. I know sounds very brutal of what has life thrown me back to back but look at the brighter side of it I am becoming the best version of myself. I am becoming a whole new me, which even I wasn’t sure I could be one. Life is challenging but at the same time full of adventures though sometimes bad sometimes good it keeps moving on because you know what life doesn’t stop my dear, it never does.
My PTSD journey has been a rollercoaster ride. Triggers, flashbacks, and attacks come at their own sweet time and try to break me to the core, but with the help of my therapists, family, Twitter support, and friends I can cope well because somehow they believe in me when I am on the verge to lose hope. I have doubted myself as a human being n number of times since the last blog I wrote but this 30th blog had to be special because since April 2020 I have been sharing my journey with the world and all I have got is the biggest support and the idea that I am not alone in any of my mental health fights.
PTSD is tricky, to fight this is something like recovering from a heart attack one after the another. It sometimes gets horrifying, sometimes makes me too numb to even breathe and sometimes it just pulls off every energy I have to fight, but I am still alive fighting and trying to live each day. By end of the week, I feel so drained out that I feel that I have been on some war front and finally the home is here? (weekend I meant) and I can be in my cocoon and just breathe. It’s a tricky affair to stay strong all the time, it’s sad how I can’t get a hug when I need it the most, and it’s sad when I am unable to tell the person that I am feeling lonely despite being surrounded by n number of people around, it gets tough somedays just to live.
My favourite superhero has been batman, and I like the way he faces obstacles every day. Batman gets up every single day knowing that he will be faced with new challenges and have unexpected setbacks too. I am not any different, I also get up every day to face numerous obstacles along the way, As Janina Scarlet says in one of her books, “Remember who you are. Remember what you stand for, the rest might be messy, as it is supposed to be and that is also how it all falls into place.” Those words resonate with me and I can pretty much relate to them because the truth is no matter what, I am a goddamn superhero in my life journey. You are allowed to feel the way you do, and you are allowed to take your time to be with your feelings. Wisdom is in accepting the fact that there are things you can’t force. Healing doesn’t have a time limit. Healing requires moving inward with patience, honesty and courage. Still learning and living this.
And as my mother says, sometimes everything hits you all at once. You lose a relationship, change jobs, old friends go and the next one comes. It’s up one day and down the next, you have it all together on Monday and by Thursday you dont have a clue. Life is one big wave and all we can do is flow, grow and adapt. These words hit me hard and trust me I am living on these terms now because life is what it is. You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile. You have to accept it as a whole, like a world, or the person you loved. Life goes on. Healing is such a lonely and intimate process, it requires you to be your friends on some days, be your biggest cheerleader in certain moments and spend quality time with your wounds. All this is necessary to survive. Taking one day at a time, healing at my own pace and trying not to give up because I know I can’t give up.
This 30 blog is huge for me as it brings the survivor within me alive. Being raw is what my writing has been and this couldn’t have been possible without my readers who believed in me when I lost faith in myself. So cheers to you and cheers to life as moving on is what keeps you going sometimes. Because I believe that it will be fine after the thunderstorm. The sun will shine, and it will be nice and warm.
Ending this blog with a quote -
“Life can be so unpredictable, always remember that!
The rain can pour down and the winds can blow hard,
sweeping away those peaceful moments you had.
It’s never the end of the world when things go wrong.
Just keep faith in yourself, keep going and stay strong.
Never give up on your dreams and never give up hope.”
Sending you lots of love, hugs, and hope your way. See you next time.
